Xander Saves the Day
by Goddess Heather
Summary: 4th in the Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of a Good Used Car series


Title: Xander Saves the Day  
  
Sequel to Dirty Talk, A Story About Nothing  
  
Pairing: S/X THIS MEANS SLASH!!!  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: Another whacked out fic from my brain (and a unique study method)  
  
Xander strolled into the Magic Box. It was a Monday, 10 am and sunny out, why he wasn't at work really isn't important but if you must know there was a series of freak accidents involving piranhas, used car salesmen and bowling balls all on the site causing it to be closed down for insurance reasons. If Xander didn't know better he would have said that Spike might have had something to do with it, but he had spent the whole night with him, as evidenced by the slight bow to his legs. So he figured the only mayhem Spike had been involved with recently was pillow fights. "So how are the most beautiful women in the entire world feeling today?" Xander addressed Willow who stared furiously into her computer, Buffy who sat at the register filing her nails, Anya who inventoried and Dawn who sat reading a book that she wasn't suppose to.  
  
Dawn was the only one to take notice. "Great! It's a teacher work day! No school. Why aren't you at work?"  
  
"It's foreman work day. No work." They grinned at each other.  
  
"Arrrgh!" Willow screamed banging her head on the table, perilously close to her laptop.  
  
"Whoa! Let's not do ritualistic self-mutilation until after Dawn's gone to bed. Now what's the problem?"  
  
"Oh you wouldn't understand. I can't figure out what's wrong with this Java program."  
  
Xander peered over her shoulder studying the display. "Well import chapman.oi there and get rid of that comment line. Capitalize your class name." As he talked Willow changed the program and ran it. The errors still popped up. "Wills ya gotta save and THEN run the program."  
  
"Oh yeah." This time it worked. Willow stared up at him incredulous. "How did you know that?"  
  
"Oh well we have a couple of engineers on site and they've been showing me some things. Plus Heather's been taking that Java class. In fact she has the test in an hour. She really should be studying." Xander jumped as an invisible hand goosed him. "C'mon Heather you know it's true!"  
  
Buffy looked up from her perfectly filed nail, "where's Giles? I ran into some problems on patrol." Buffy blantly ignored anything to do with Heather. Her hair was still slightly green.  
  
"Dunno. Maybe he decided to sleep in."  
  
Anya spoke up from the back, "He's having orgasms with Olivia. Won't be in until later." Everyone made disgusted faces.  
  
"Anya I know I'm not your boyfriend anymore, but we don't say that kinda thing."  
  
"Do you people think I'm a complete idiot? I've been a human for two years now. I just like the looks on your faces when I say things like that. It's fun! Plus Heather delights in tormenting you guys." Xander nodding in agreement. That was true.  
  
"Well I guess we'd better start researching these demons."  
  
777777777777  
  
"Oh is this the demon you saw?" Willow asked, indicating the picture on the page, which looked like a washed out version of Darth Maul with greys and pinks instead of reds and blacks.  
  
"Oh yes that's it!"  
  
"What's it?" Asked a very distinct British tone. Wesley and crew stood in the doorway. "Cordelia had a vision. We tried to call but no one answered. We thought we were too late."  
  
The Scoobs glanced at the phone, the cord wasn't plugged in. "I wonder how that happened?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Well I'm guessing Heather did it to build up tension and she loves to spring the L.A. crew on us. Thinks it's funny." Xander said. "I'm kinda wondering why Spike hasn't shown up yet. She loves it when Deadboy and Bleachboy go at it," Xander said in a pondering tone.  
  
"Never fear loves, William the Bloody is here."  
  
"Ah. I spoke too soon. So nice of you to grace us with your presence Spike." There was a distinct note of sarcasm to it.  
  
"So what terrible evil are we averting tonight?"  
  
"Oh um, some demons called, Cla-mights."  
  
Spike snorted. "They don't eat people!"  
  
Wesley looked up. "Cla-mights you say? Well I happen to speak a smattering of Cla-mighttis."  
  
Willow brightened, "that must be why the PTB sent you."  
  
"I suppose. I don't know why you're having problems with them. They're usually peaceful."  
  
"Well I know where the nest is, so everyone grab a Clam-light killing weapon incase they aren't as peaceful as they're suppose to be."  
  
"That's Cla-might." Wesley corrected.  
  
77777777777777  
  
The group approached the crypt where the Cla-mights were staying, Xander hummed the Mission Impossible tune. Lorne looked at him strangely, "remind me to talk to you when this is over."  
  
Xander nodded grinning. Wesley approached the crypt, threw back his head and roared, then abruptly cut-off put his finger in his mouth and made a `popping' noise. The Cla-might clan piled out of the crypt. There were hundreds of them. Three foot tall washed out Darth Maul look alikes. All of them making pooping sounds. It was the funniest thing Xander had ever seen. Wesley approached the most pale of the Cla-mights, visibly hunched over with age. He proceeded to do a series of `popping' noises with his mouth again. "He says that his people are starving that the land they had lived off of has been taken over and he has no way to get food." Wesley again listened to the popping noises, "he also says that if his people do not get food soon he will declare war on humans. This would be bad, they number well into the thousands, many people would be hurt."  
  
"What do they eat?" Asked Xander.  
  
"Umm Kaolin. It's the white crumbly rock that used to-"  
  
"I know what Kaolin is. I know where some is too."  
  
"YOU DO!?!" Asked everyone there.  
  
"Sure, Georgia is the third largest producer of Kaolin in the world. Send `em across country." Xander shrugged. Everyone stared at him. "That was easy. Jeez did you guys not pay attention in Geography class?"  
  
Wesley conversed with the Cla-mights and at one point pointed to Xander. That made Xander very nervous. One of the Cla-mights approached Xander with something in his hands, Wesley indicated he take it. "Oh wow! Guys this is a lightsaber! He ignited it. A purple blade of light shot forth.  
  
"Shouldn't it be red?" Asked Gunn.  
  
"Not with Heather writing this. Hey I wonder where the cheat button is on this." Xander pressed something and another blade shot out the bottom, almost impaling Spike. "Oh there it is."  
  
"'Ey be careful with that bloody thing! You almost impaled me!"  
  
Xander turned to look at Spike with a leer on his face, "I'll impale you."  
  
Wesley cleared his throat, "Umm well Heather has been trying awfully hard to keep this fiction PG. I think you had better stop right there. You don't want Heather mad at you."  
  
Spike took several steps back. "Don't come near me Whelp!" Xander pulled out the Puppydog eyes. Spike resisted, somehow. "I mean it! I don't want to end up barefoot and pregnant!" Spike looked around wildly. "I'm not chancing it! The End."  
  
"I said THE BLOODY END!"  
  
The End  
  
But if you listen carefully you can hear sounds of Spike and Xander snogging. 


End file.
